3-9-99
I see softness above all else.
I feel fear below the rest.
My mind sees a tan,
my heart feels a passionate woman.
I cannot help my delighting
for her beauty is exciting.
It is what is within that I feel
but what I see may play tricks on me.
Slowly I must proceed.
I do not always know what I see.
Time will tell if this beauty is for me
but I cannot help but feel what I feel.
3-10-99
My body feels the pain
I wonder when it will cease.
I have been here before
I know that eventually there is peace.
Feeling is the only way
but confused I am at best.
Is it loneliness that stabs at me
a heart full of emptiness,
or purely physical
that feeds my distress?
I’m not sure but it hurts no less
real is my pain I feel inside my chest.
3-11-99
How is it I am so warm tonight
when yesterday I was cold as ice?
Why is it I feel happiness today
when yesterday I was so downcast?
I do not understand these feelings that change,
but do accept them as God’s map.
I wish for warmth all my nights
the cold is painful and desolate.
3-14-99
You are the boy who changed my life
you are the son I do not have.
You are the child that helped me see
how much I want to share you with a wife.
I cannot thank you near enough,
for blessing this man all grown.
I wish I had you as my son,
I would be blessed to call you my own.
I miss you more than you will ever know
it hurts me Josh, not being there while you grow.
I love you.
10-01-2000
Pain is not my motivator
Happiness is.
Living without fear is frightening
but it bears the fruit of happiness.
Intentions be not for thyself
actions reveal otherwise.
Love is what I aim to show
alas fear binds my muscles.
As gold is sought my wife be found
the mother of my children.
I wish to give her what she needs,
Will she feel content?
This fear that binds is mysterious
I know that for sure
I plod on and on and on…
for my happiness I know is with her.
God Bless me through the darkness
the unknown frightens thee.
I want it oh so much
for her…and for me.